Well, this blog was my original MMA blog which has since morphed into CTMMANews.com. So I figured, why not use this space for some of my more generally applicable advice and musings? It's my way of giving back.
So, what to talk about? I could tackle some of our government dilemmas. Maybe give some advice as to how to get along in these harsh economic times. But nay, there is a much more pressing matter at hand. If you have been watching any late night tv, you may have heard that the world is going to end in 2012. I know right? You'd think they'd be more thorough in distributing such critical information. It's ok though because some guy in Arizona is going to jump off a cliff at 11:11 a.m. at the exact moment of the solstice, go through a portal, and keep the computer program we're all plugged into from shutting down. No I'm not kidding and I assume only Microsoft could be responsible for such shoddy programming.
While that is clearly a ridiculous interpretation of the Mayan calendars abrupt ending next year, there is no doubt that we're all doobed.(No I don't have a cold, that's how things are pronounced in my house)So what to do? No worries, I've got your Y/2/12 survival guide right here.
1) Be a ninja
- be it zombies or selfish neihbes (that's neighbors for those who don't speak "abreve") who were not prepared, you need to learn how to open a can of whoop-donkey when the cranberries hit the fan, so take a page out of my girlfriends playbook and stock up on guns and ammo before that socialist muslim craps on the Bill of Declaration of Independence and makes buying a grenade launcher illegal.
2) Learn how to kill ninjas
- there's a million people out there reading this blog RIGHT NOW who are enrolling in ninja classes and buying grenade launchers and you need to learn how to kill them. This is survival and we need the cream corn of the corn crop making it through so we can repopulate the world with smart people rather than the type of people who currently don't use blinkers or can't get you're order correct at Wendys. (how hard is your job? really?)
3) Bunker down
- git er done and bunker down. Concrete walls underground with automated gattling guns is the way to go. Every once in awhile go top side and eat the people that tried to break into your survival fortress. The Book of Eli will try to tell you that eating human meat will make you shakey. They've obviously never watched Highlander. You eat someone and you gain their power, not to mention they can't turn into a zombie if you've already digested and pooped them out. #poopzombies
4) Friends
- you can't repopulate by yourself... only weird frogs do that... now that I think of it I'm adding frogs to my Post-Apocalypse-Axis-of-Evil...as well as hyphens because I'm not sure if they're necessary. But you need a group of friends with well rounded skill sets to keep things going. Some hunters, some farmers, maybe a chemist or engineer. Just make sure everyone you decide to live with is weaker than you so you can eat them if necessary. I've already set up my living arrangement that way. One less thing to do when the cranberries hit the fan. (Brian dies first so I can make Jon cook him)
5) Rebuilding plan
- I've already commissioned blueprints of RalphTopia. It's going to be awesome. There's lots of arcades. Also, a statue of me as a ninja, but you can't find it, BECAUSE I'M A NINJA!!!! It's going to be where Boogertown, North Carolina is now. (Yes that's a real city. bet you a dollar)
6) food
- If you don't eat you can't continue being awesome, so while you shouldn't let it take your focus off of ninja-ing or practicing shooting vagabonds and gypsies (careful, they can curse you. Shoot them before they start talking or try to hand you a button. You don't want to wind up like the girl in Drag Me to Hell), get some food. Probably best to just take over an abandoned GNC and pound protein bars. The protes keep you powerful so you can continue crushing others on your way to Grand Emperor-ship.
While this guide was brief, I wanted to get the really important goals across. If you get these 6 simple rules down everything else is semantics, and no one knows what a semantic is so it's obviously not important. Good luck and God-speed
Friday, April 8, 2011
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